The 6 Questions That Helped Me Discover Self-love

Hello everyone, my name is Ellie-Louise. I’m a freelance writer and I run a blog called Ellie’s Entries. Over on Instagram, I ramble on a lot about self-love and caring for our mental health, so when Charlotte asked me to write a guest post for her, I thought it would be fitting to write about just that!

Why is self-love important to me?

Growing up self-love was a touchy subject in my household; it was phrased as vanity and self-obsession. Naturally, I avoided it like the plague.

After years of self-sabotage, negative talk, and battles with mental health, I made the decision that I wanted to be happy and feel content waking up each day. I dived into journalling, meditation, yoga, and many other forms of discovery that led me to where I am today.

Reflection and questioning have been a big part of my journey as I tried to work out what led me down this path and how I can overcome the limiting beliefs that I adopted as a child. These questions that I want to share with you are a powerful tool of reflection and may help you move forward in your journey.

As I always say over on my blog, self-love and healing is not a one size fits all approach. If these questions resonate with you and you find them helpful, don’t forget to leave a comment below! If they don’t that’s OK too, what tools do you find helpful? Let us know!

The 6 Questions That Helped Me Discover Self-Love

 

1. If your younger self met you today, what would make them happy and what would make them sad, about YOU today?

This is a question I heard on a podcast by Jay Shetty and I had to include it. I shared this on my Instagram to start a deeper discussion with my followers, to get to know them in more depth and it did wonders! I have had some wonderful conversations and I really feel as if I know them now.

So why have I included it? Although I only discovered this question recently it ties together all the reflection I did (and still doing) on my journey to self-love. It forces you to think about where you have come so far and face any changes you may have encountered. The first thing to do is celebrate one (or more) thing that your younger self would be proud of. For me, this could be finding a career that inspires me or slowly learning to forgive my past.

By recognising these accomplishments, big or small, you are already learning one form of self-love, celebrating you!

You may feel the second part of the question is counter-productive, however, by recognising something your younger self would be sad about is a fantastic way to reflect. For example, my younger self may be disheartened that my friendship group isn’t expansive and I don’t live near any of them. However, this is because I choose a calmer life in the countryside where I meditate and put myself first. So by choosing solitude over socialising, I have actually improved my wellbeing!

This part will help you recognise how your priorities have changed. The aspect you choose may have made your younger self sad but does it make you happy now? If yes, that is wonderful and you can appreciate the journey you have been on. If you aren’t happy with that change, you have just identified an area of your life which is causing you pain or discomfort.

Identifying an issue is a fantastic first step to healing and moving forward.

2. Where are you losing power and energy?

This question refers to areas of your life that are draining your energy, making you feel powerless, worthless, and negative. We could also re-phrase this to ‘Who’ is causing you to lose power and energy?

Identifying this is crucial as you can then work to put boundaries in place to limit your exposure to those situations or people. This may be hard for some people to hear, but your mental health is the most important thing.

Having boundaries is like having a set of core beliefs that you live by, that truly serve you. For example, you may choose to only commit to friendships that give you mutual respect, time or energy.

It’s easy to say:

● I don’t want to be seen as selfish

● I want to avoid conflict

● It’s too much hassle

● It isn’t important

That’s a normal reaction and I understand, but this is a huge step in creating a loving environment for yourself. Setting boundaries is one of the most important things you can do to love yourself.

The vital thing to understand is this: the people who tell you it’s selfish and you’re being difficult are the people who don’t want to see you happy. They are toxic and that may not be their fault, they most likely have their own traumas and limiting beliefs to work through. However, that is not your responsibility. Their actions and behaviour towards you are not healthy and it’s OK to put yourself first. 

You are worthy of self-love.

3. Are my choices supporting my self-esteem or fueling my misery?

This question is about you. It identifies what you are doing to either help or hinder your self-love journey.

For myself, I used to drink excessive amounts of alcohol and become a person I really didn’t like and that person was not nice to be around, for me or my friends. Over time I realised, instead of beating myself up and hating myself for what I did when I was drunk, I had a choice.

I could choose to not drink. This was a huge realisation for me because society tells us drinking is a huge part of growing up and becoming an adult. If you drink, you’re deemed as fun.

This is where my boundaries came in; I had to learn how to be confident with who I was sober and make sure I wasn’t being pressured into drinking, even when I was told ‘you’re so boring’. It wasn’t easy, it still isn’t easy but it has done me a world of good.

When you have answered this, you have the choice to amend these areas or not.

4. Why am I thinking in this way?

This question is a general one for whenever you catch yourself using negative self-talk. Asking why will help to pinpoint self-limiting beliefs that fuel your negative mindset.

The following are a few examples of what a self-limiting belief may manifest as:

● I am not good enough

● I am not smart enough

● You have to have money to make money

● Loving myself is selfish

● Showing emotion is a weakness

● I’m a failure at everything

These examples are beliefs and not factual. Fact–checking your thoughts is a helpful tool for many situations, such as negative self-talk or anxiety attacks.

When you have identified and realised the patterns you have created, you can combat these thoughts. Affirmations are a powerful technique for this – along with these questions you can write them in a journal or repeat them aloud each day.

5. What would I say to my best friend in this situation?

Another technique for challenging your negative self-talk is to ask yourself, would I say this to my best friend?

If the answer is no, then don’t say it to yourself. You would never say to your best friend, ‘you’re fat, worthless, and not good enough’ would you? You want to lift them up and fill them with love – so try treating yourself like your own best friend.

6. How can I change the way I’m feeling right now?

My suggestion is to create a list of go-to activities that make you feel better in the present moment. You can write it in a journal or put it up somewhere you’ll see each day.

Some examples may include meditating, journaling, reading, taking a bath, doing a face mask or a workout. Try to include a variety of mental wellbeing and physical wellbeing tasks, as different activities will improve different moods!

 

I want to reiterate that self-love is not a one size fits all approach. Different methods will work for different people, these questions are simply one way that helped me reflect on the way I was treating myself and how to change that. They transformed the way I thought. I really hope you gained some insight in today’s post and I wish you all a wonderful day!

 

I also want to say a huge thank you to Charlotte for letting me have a place on her incredible blog. If this is your first time here, you should definitely check out her other posts!

Guest Author:

Ellie-Louise is a freelance wellness writer and founder of Ellie’s Entries, a blog that explores self-love, mental health, and all things wellness!

Instagram: @ellie_desbaux

Blog, website and more: https://linktr.ee/elliedesbaux

Let’s chat – Have you struggled with self-love before ?

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